Uhhh: DARPA wants mind-controlling helmets for soldiers

You know, there are times when even we get a little tempted to don the ol' tinfoil hat. Weirdly enough, those times usually have something to do with DARPA, as the agency is now researching technology that will affect soldiers' brains to boost their abilities.

Now, DARPA won't be able to give soldiers orders and turn them into mindless drones — well, at least, that's not what the agency claims the research is for. Instead, a helmet using what's called "transcranial pulsed ultrasound" could help relieve stress on a trooper during combat, boost his awareness and even make him feel his injuries less.

The research is in itself a breakthrough of sorts as the kind of mind altering it's looking to do is usually carried out with direct stimulation to the brain using implants and the like. The bulk of the transcranial pulsed ultrasound testing is being carried out at Arizona State University, where Dr. William Tyler, an assistant professor of life sciences, had this to say:

"To overcome the above limitations, my laboratory has engineered a novel technology which implements transcranial pulsed ultrasound to remotely and directly stimulate brain circuits without requiring surgery. Further, we have shown this ultrasonic neuromodulation approach confers a spatial resolution approximately five times greater than TMS and can exert its effects upon subcortical brain circuits deep within the brain."

Yep. Doesn't sound evil at all. No sir!

ACHTUNG!

Where can I get a meth helmet?

I want mine to project images of various beautiful Asian women while I vanquish the lands of evils.

Well that would definitely help with the PTS.

I'm afraid I would be too busy in touching myself to hold my weaponry.

Just make sure you watch out who your shooting at.

The gun would have probably jammed by then.

Just cock a new round.

I would have left my ammunition elsewhere, I'm afraid. I would have to borrow someone else's box instead.

Then youll want to join the navy, not the army.

The navy is too wet.

That is why you use protection. The boat.

Boats can sink and be pierced by naughty torpedoes.

That is why you always pierce them with your torpedoes first.

YOU CANNOT SIMPLY PIERCE JAPANESE MINI SUBMARINES WITH TORPEDOES INTO MORDOR

The infamous Japanese mini-subs. Fact or fiction? I do not know.

Those Amerikaners started Pearl Harbour!

Stop trying to ruin my ambiguous sexual jokes.

BIG POWERFUL AMERICAN PEEEEEEEENII--